Tuesday, 23 November 2010


I'm so tired right now, I don't feel like typing, but typing is sucha good medicine for me nowadays, although I have exams coming up, i really need to get this out of my system....

So I wonder what it will be like when I fall in love next?

I wonder whom I will fall in love with? I wonder what she will be like? Will she be dark? Will he be Ghanaian, Nigerian, Guinean, Kenyan, Australian, American, South African, or Alien? Will she be beautiful? Will she be clean? Will she be dirty? Will she be conscious enough to know that I'm her boyfriend and not her husband? Will she use my age as a weapon against me? Will she put me before her friends? Will she love me as much as I do her?

Will we be equal?

Will she worship me? But at the same time know that I am still human?

I wonder whether its now, or soon.

I wonder if her touch will set me on fire every single time I reach for her? I wonder if I’ll enjoy her kisses. I wonder if I’ll yearn for them. I wonder if her body will drive me crazy, if I would be content just to sit and watch her all day or night. I wonder if she will be the only touch I’d want or need.

I wonder if she’ll be rich, or consciously poor.

I wonder if I’ll regret falling in love with her. I wonder if she’ll regret falling in love with me.

I wonder if the attraction would be so intense, we'd have sex 3 minutes after we meet? Oh, or 30 minutes after? I wonder if ill be able to touch you, and respect the fact that you dont want to have sex with me yet? Or will I try to sweet tounge you into having sex? Will you fall for that?

Will you fall for my flattery? Or lie to me? Will the lying stop? Will I feel a plethora of feelings deep inside my belly? Will I wake up thinking of you and and have that stupid grin on my face?

Will I be able to trace the lines of your face in the dark and know that its still you? Follow the lines of your jaw to your cheek bones, to your eyes, to your nose, to you lips, and then lean over and kiss them in the dark of the night? And still be able to smile.. and think of nothing else but you? Will my mind wander?

I wonder if it will be the end of me.

Is this the begining of the end?

I hope so.

I’m not sure of how long a day it was.

I didn't sleep at all tonight, I'm a lil proud of myself. I was hoping for something to write about tonight, but, everything's been boring lately, tonight was just, a laughing riot. But this is life, and that is what tomorrow is for, to make up for the fucking hilarity of today; this night.

Tomorrow should be good.

Oh, excuse me, it's 5:41 in the morning.

I need to take a bath.

Adios, My Loves. Its still me, who knows you so well.

School, and Me.

He’s back at school.

Loving it? Or not?

Terrible? Or Not.

But last year…..

He did not want to go school. Neither did he feel as though it would help his future at all. It was useless, it was time wasted, to please his parents, who he could make so much more happier if they would just let him go and be free. If he would let him starve and understand the meaning of a career, of passion, of real drive, things you don't learn in school, things lost on so many of those graduates.

4 ? 5? 6? years was just too far away, he didn't have that time to waste. What if the world didn't even last that long? He had tried to look at the brighter side of it all, he had tried to make himself realize how important a career should be to one's future, he had tried and she had failed. There was no ignoring the deep sense of pain he felt with the idea of another day in this place, the painful tears that prickled his eyes and inhibited his eyesight when he thought of a future, without friends, without family.

He was ready to leave. To work, starve and hustle. To be a pioneer in something great and to use all that he learned all that he would earn to better his situation in the country he was so unwilling to inhabit now.

“I hate school. I want my school fees. I want to leave.”

It was as heartfelt as he could muster. Neither offending, or submitting. Simply perfect in it's diplomatic air. He just prayed his mother would understand one day, he knew the difficulties that lay ahead, but he also knew the family had to support him, the love that would be shared through the suffering, he didn't have to walk in his father's steps. He didn't have to do this all alone. He needed to grow up and talk all these things through, He needed to take the reins of his own life instead of listening to suggestions from others. When did he not know what he wanted to do? When had se ever not known?

His dreams, his aspiration and his drive had been taken for granted. This feeling of displacement did not belong in a future as certain as his. How many blessing's had come his way? How many roads had been opened up? How many diamonds had he stepped on?

The Universe was not to be ignored.

So he would handle the hate, he would handle the lack of support, he would handle it all with grace and nobility knowing the many blessings that lay ahead, knowing the sunshine that lay in wait for his return.

All he ever wanted to be was happy.

Nothing else mattered.

Was this world not his own?

His mother said that life is not about being happy but his mother lived with her third eye closed, the blessing in life was simply being alive, and why not be happy in that realization? Why not be happy in that gift? Why sully it and tarnish the beauty of your existence with misery? Why not do all you can to simply be a happy person? Even if it means failing?

His spirit was too strong to adhere to such rules.

All he wanted was to follow his dreams.

No matter the consequences.

It was Me.

Me. Who You Know So Well.

माय फ्रेंड.

Sitting here...not knowing what to type cos its fucking sunday (sallah) and theres no one to take me out... or give me meat... or something.. been trying to chat and all, but my mind is in a state of complete disrepair... Im not sure ill be able to type anything good... so lets see.
I mean...she's not a dick head, she's actually very sweet, but the thing is...I'M a dick head. Im not sure that makes sense... but then, im sure it does a bit.
And I hate it when emotions mix with good sex.---- P.S: And, I also hate it, when emotions mix with good friendships.
Honestly though?
So if a chick is like I don't do relationships, I'M NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON after a one night stand right? And given you have crazy chemistry...at least you have chemistry with her, she's really incredibly apathetic to the whole thing, but she is insistent on the fact that she is not the wifey type. The relationship type. Don't crush. Or drool. Or try and become the "superman". Or Girl. ( I mean Supergirl).
And so when a guy or a girl tells you: I don't want a relationship, He/She dosen't want one. Don't think that will change. Well, maybe for me, it won't.
Because, I don't think it makes sense for you to try and spend every waking minute with her, because that denotes a fucking relationship, which she doesn't do, and calling her every two hours and then texting some bullshit like "What did I do? Why aren't you talking to me?" when her phone was on vibrate and in her bag the entire day also denotes a fucking relationship, which she had already stated was not at all possible. And I don't think it makes sense for you to tell her that she should inform you when she has sex with somebody else cause you wouldn't be able to do her afterwards, but you'll still want to be around 24/7 of course and it also doesn't make sense for you to CUT OFF ALL YOUR FUCKING CHICKS for the girl that CLEARLY stated she was not and will never be interested in a relationship.
It doesn't make SENSE.
I don't get it. I really don't understand. What does "I don't want a relationship" mean to you people? Because when I say it, I mean "Im a Cold, heartless person who loves freedom and solitude." Well, in some other cases, it might mean, "oh, I have a girlfriend who I love, but im shagging you beacause your'e hot... and theres chemistry or sumfink". And.... hey, don't even think the sex is gonna keep me because as I've said a thousand times...:
Your sex, her sex, their sex, it's sex, it doesn't fucking matter because sex is sex. The only time it will ever be different for me...is if I ever fall in love. Now unless some extra terrestrial being comes at me tonight, or dare I say, Keri Hilson comes and slips into bed with me SEX WILL REMAIN SEX. Or maybe youre an Onion Booty Actress?? Lol.
So I don't NEED you for shit.
And stop with the we're perfect for each other nonsense, I may be all that for you but stop being so selfish, what about me?! What about what I want? How do I think!? Gawd youre my friend, ou know everything about me. Who the fuck I like, what I do, what I dont like? Everything... Its just not right people, lets face it. Beacause if i hoped ill fall in love with you or something, you'll have known from the begining.
God, please let these people stop being so fucking idealistic because I'm about to quit this bitch entirely.
I could be an idiot, be cold-hearted, impulsive..... whaeva.
And there's not a goddamn human fucking thing that'll change that.
I'm sorry I can't fall in love with you.
With any of you.
I'm just not that type of person.
Before you say sumfink..... Its maybe cos ive already fallen.
For someone else.

PS: A Jay Z quote:
"He who does not feel me is not real to me, Therefore he dosen't exist. so move, vamoose.... Sonof a ****."

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

And So.

It’s Cold. All is wet, bright and zen. When I woke up, I felt at peace, so cool, all was light and bright and nothing was pressuring my mind. Put on some Rita Marley. She always speaks of Jah.

Then it hit me. I’m lonely because I want to be.

Its funny how lonely I feel at times, even if there are about 500 people I could speak to, tweet to or just decide to take an interest in. Would be stupid to say none of them are interesting. Maybe I’m the boring one? Rita Marley’s fussing and fighting comes up. I should not write in times like this. I could terribly bore you. But then, sometimes, boring can be fun.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend should be your best friend. There is no black and white in that shit.

This generation has degenerated into such terrible fakeness, we are beginning to lose our identities as persons. We fuck around trying to find the perfect partner, while at the end of the day, we find ourselves unable to discern between what is fake and what is true. What is true about ourselves. About our very persons.

Ziggy Marley’s Testify.

That we all are looking for love. There. I said it. I fully admit it to myself, we all want deep romance. Lust is boring. Lust is nothing. I despise it, it's so basic, so mundane, such a peasant action, it gives birth to life trash. I want nothing to do with lust anymore.

I want love. We want love.

Lots of love.

Deep trust, deep understanding, friendship.

Friendship. Bonding. Linked hearts.

Get me?

I’m guessing this is me growing up, really knowing what I want, and finally gritting my teeth and admitting what exactly I have to do and not do to get what I want. Some things are unhealthy for you, emotionally, physically, stay away from poison. Giving, receiving or if you're simply around it, stay away from it. I've had some pretty harrowing experiences in my day, and lust led me to all of those dragons. Led me into the mouth of all those monsters. I've survived, but as always, you learn from your actions. Well, I do. Especially from the consequences. So in short.

Fuck lust.

I want to hold hands. I want to talk. I want to smoke. I want to listen to music.

I don't want to fuck. I don't want to know in what position you want to fuck. I don’t want to see you naked. I don’t want to caress.

I want to touch. Your soul.

I want to make you speechless.

I’m almost like a girl. I'm very passionate you know? I'm romantic. I'm a believer, I have faith in the power of love. All that epic Disney shit really touched me as a child. Especially that: Pocahontas. And I've seen it, I know it's real, because I can imagine it. Because I can envision a perfect love, an endless love, that ability? Is more than enough to fuel my belief in what seems other worldly to us now. What seems so fake.

We have created Fake Love.

We're just confused. At least that's what I believe. Love is still here, we've just forgotten what it looks like. Some of us have never even known. How can you? How would you? When you think and base yourself by the stupid standards of others? Of what your boyfriend should look like? Of what your girlfriend should look like? Or how you say: “We connect, but I don’t like her that way?” Of how, he’s my best friend but I’m not in lust with him? Lust? Then you meet a simply handsome dude, who has nothing but lust for you, and then the fakeness that is actually lust, which you believe is love, take over your soul. He tells you: I love you. With a leer in his mind. Of course, you can’t see that. You’re blinded by your fake definition of love. You’re blinded by desire.

I have lost all respect for those blinded by desire, it sickens me to my stomach when I see a stranger glance at someone with lust, lust sickens me, men and women fueled by lust plague my heart, I am angered, because lust demeans people’s worth. She is more than this flesh, all the beguiling aesthetics around her.

And so society also nails this feign over and over in the head. Watch twilight. She’d fuck Edward before Jacob. Shallow… I never will be.

Cue: Rita Marley. One Draw ( I wanna get high)

And so the flesh no longer has my attention, I only want to see your mind, I only want soul, I only love soul, I only feel soul. I only touch soul. I only speak to soul. I only fuck soul.

I do random sex too. Might be a tad confusing. But I do not agree with sleeping around to satisfy some deep emotional issue. Some deep emotional longing. Know what you want, get it. Don’t catch stupid fake ass feelings. Don’t discuss how many kid’s you’ll have. Cause all you have is just fuck. Just sex. It’s two wide differing places. You’ll have to learn it yourself. But wait, if you really want to enjoy the sex. First fuck the mind.

In the end, it is what it is.

Always follow your mind. It brings only Joy.

Don’t stomach nonsense. Fuck the pretty and bad bitches.

Your definition of Love is Blind. Isn’t being dumb enough? –Femi Smith