Thursday, 6 October 2011

Thursday, October 6.

I’m lying on my bed, balls up, like a G.

Its raining.

And the pitter patter of the rain around my room matches the beating of my heart which, oddly, has given me a bit of impetus to stand up and open my computer. All is well in my world once more, the last few months have been less calamitous, and frankly a little boring, but do I wish for calamitous days to return? I do not know. All I wish for nowadays, is to lie down and read. Fill my brain with information, facts, true and untrue, proven and unproven. Or sometimes, just lie down ….. And exist. And talk? BBM? I have promised myself to write a new story, (I did promise myself this about two months ago) and I will. But the thought process and events required for this to take place have been sort of far removed from the person that I am right now.

What shall I say tho? I’m bursting full of thoughts and things to expose, I’m not sure where to start. In fact, I’m so filled up, I’m stumped. But I’m used to it, and if you’re used to me, you’ll know that it’s the randomest of events that lead me to share my thoughts…

My life has been hard. My childhood was hard. The only outwardly easy part was so pseudo that even pseudo defeats the intent of using pseudo for that period. I’ve always been enthralled with hard. Which is why, coming to think of it, anything that is easy scares the fuck outta me. Anything easy, anything perfect, puts me the fuck off. So if you want to tell me a the truth, even the most perfect of “truths” will not appeal to me. Maybe that’s why I so blatantly reject the idea of a perfect and easy Jehovah? I do not know. But still, I digress. I have met so many people in the past few months, not on a platonic level, and not on a sexual level either, more like on a personal level and as usual, has led me to the discovery of so many unheeded yet important facts, which must be recorded later. Chief of which is the humbling discovery that I might have been wrong in one of my assertions.

I was wrong.

This is unbelievably astonishing, because I weigh all my words, actions and decisions through and through, even the “on-the-spur” decisions, and most times, I leave no room for mistakes, or willfully and knowingly make mistakes in order to make the ride less boring… But on this I was wrong. Ill start at the beginning. A counselor at a point in my life tried to dispel a dysfunctional belief I had the time of trying to blame everybody else for things which happened to me. I blamed everyone. My mother, my teachers, my friends even the fucking gateman in front of the bank for my woes. I shackled myself in a cage of delusion and proudly wore the key around my neck. I learned, as I have always sought to scream to anyone who cared to listen, that my life is my own fucking drama, I direct it, I do what I will and the universe will respond in accordance. And so, when I discovered that I was bored of and with sex, it seemed ghoulishly absurd to me that I should blame myself in that respect. On what basis? I was bored with it, it wasn’t me who created it, I wasn’t having sex with myself, so why in anyway should I blame ME for it? I brought with it (the boredom with sex) a kind of new found peace, so that I forgot to blame myself for it. My attitude towards the sexual act had become varied. Of course one can claim this as a consequence of growth, which I won't deny, but instead demand to expand upon.

Musing, I had asserted, and hold it, it is admitted I did believe this theory to be the most sincere at the time, that I was uninterested because most girls now, sexually, render me completely disinterested. I claimed that, I simply hadn't found anyone to satisfy my mind. To satisfy my body, I will admit to have found but I had found no one to ensure the harmony of both in receiving profuse amounts of pleasure. The fusion? Mind & Body? I claimed I was wanting, not a quickie, but a 12 hour session.
But then, as always, the laws of the universe prevail.

I was searching for something, something was missing. My ego and persona is what generally enthralls these beings. You know? What they think I am? What they think I can do? They lose their composure, their dignity, any sense of pride when I'm inside of them. Their perception of me, my niceness, my eerie silence, my ability to at least satisfy the very few people I have slept with is what drove the opposite sex wild, my body is what controlled all discernment. They knew nothing about me, they only knew what I felt like or what they thought I felt like and that was more than enough for them to hand me their strings. I, my soul that is, had little to do and found my actions monotonous, repetitious and inevitably, at long last, boring. I received the same compliments, the same journey to obsession on their part, it was basically scripted and my mind had memorized it all. See, I've had a lot of meaningless sex. Meaningless to me that is. Inconsequential for me, best I ever had for them. Imagine. They believed what I perceived as mediocrity, excellence. And I began to seek, to seek for an aware soul. For someone to the nakedness that is ME, to connect and fuse. But now, I'm not asking for them to change at all. I'm not even asking, for an aware soul, I'm not asking for a deeper connection, because asking for any of those things would imply that the problem is outside of myself.

I was bored, because my mind demanded a challenge, a greater challenge. The chase used to be over in a matter of minutes, what used to enthrall you completely, now, disgusts. I have grown and been forced to demand more of myself in almost every aspect of my life, so it is only logical that this should reflect in my relations with the opposite sex. This method being, whereas, watching the face of a girl I was driving insane with a few soft touches and feeding on the moist cavity that is between her legs, driving a girl insane with a simple sentence provides an even larger prey for my gun. (Pun Unintended).

The physical is too easy, that's all there is to it.

So there it is, that is why, the real reason why, I honestly do not ever feel like taking my clothes off to have sex anymore. I am sexually dissatisfied because I demand a harder drug than just sex.

I demand love.

The ability to love so wantonly that I do not have to do anything to arouse your interest? I want to make a girl feel eternal just by brushing my fingertips against the back of her neck, if that simple action, laden with copious amounts of love can warm your entire body, then what will all of me do? What will you do when you finally experience all of me? I rarely do the foolish, but I seek to find ‘she’ who will spur me to do the utterly unreasonable and completely stupid without laying with me first? You know, I'm just trying to do it bigger that's all. Naturally, I must evolve, increase and grow stronger.

Plain sex, is too easy, there's no real pleasure in it for me anymore. So, in conclusion, I just wanted to clarify myself and let it be known that I'm not fucking because I'm waiting for a turbo XL, custom made, unfettered pussy. No, I'm not fucking, because I want to own your soul. And I want you to own mine.

Why? Because it is hard. I love hard. (Again, pun completely unintended, except you mean nipples of course).

I flourish in the face of impossible. I expand, evolve and grow, in the face of the unknown. It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to the female body anymore, it's that I'm more sexually attracted to the workings of the female mind. And you know how fucking complex that is? No excuses, lovers are way more fun than fuck buddies. You know, the fun is in the fear? The fear of the fall? Fuck buddying to me right now is like playing a game of darts, and instead of using darts, you hurl “cooked spaghetti” at the dart board? You don’t understand? Never mind.

Haha. Well, the process has already begun. I am about a month and a half into it. And I have about four months to go.

I don’t have school this semester. Unfettered surroundings, less responsibilities in which to grow, to expand in the face of difficult.

The universe speaks. I dare not turn away.

And oh, Steve Jobs, you might have been a tad off track. Stay Full (satisfied), Stay Foolish.


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