Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Am I ME?


All is silent around me, albeit grim. I’m shutting myself from the mainstream world for a few more days.

What do I want to say?

Is there anything to say?

I almost always start off like this. Whining at the threshold of self imposed writers block, convincing myself that there is nothing worthy yet. But how do I know what is worthy to minds outside of mine? I can't say that there is nothing to say because I do have words to express. Thoughts to convey, they do exist, speeches, novels, smokey sex scenes all take precedence in the glistening perversity that is my mind.

I’ve met so many people virtually these past few days. The fearful. The beautiful. The foolish. The world is full of people really. Oh yeah? And the stupid. But you know, I’d rather talk about what interests me the most. Myself.

I’m miserable. I know this for a fact, but I seem to enjoy it. Maybe because of my impending birthday? Or the endless internal turmoil and impending guilt that has overtaken me?

I started reading Shakespeare again and I am thoroughly enjoying myself. His beautiful and satirical way with words definitely inspires my own rhetoric. I realize that my vernacular changes depending on what I'm reading or what I'm not reading. I, for a long time, went without this sort of stimulation depending solely on human interaction to keep me afloat, as I have now distanced myself I am now aware enough to discover it.

Constant human contact does not foster independent thought. It weakens it.

I thought , with the help of people around me, that falling in love would make me happier you know? Well, it’s not. Love is actually hard work. It’s made me realize how inadequate I am. How inadequately I understand myself. If I can not understand myself? How would I understand weaving myself so intrinsically with another soul? With its differing strands?

I actually became social.

And now, I’m anti social. It's beautiful to me. I notice so much more, I discover so much more, soaking yourself in a system that is not even aware of itself, will of course pollute you. Talk to you self. Ask yourself questions. Can you answer? Widen your eyes in surprise at the misery that weighs your heart. The script this world and our friends give us does not fit the world we live in. We must walk, learn and grow, ALONE. Continuously surrounding yourself within a pack before you have learned to stand on your own will diminish your ability to at all, ever again.

It's very simple. You MUST know YOU before you can know others.

I lost a lot of people last year. People I now know weren't ever really supposed to contribute to my life. People who don't actually deserve to know me. The liars I had accepted, the confusion I ignored, all dashed aside in a couple of days.

And I know in my heart that this is what is best, because detachment came so easily for me. I must replace those that have failed me with those that will love.

I can feel myself change. Evolve. You know? I was the kind that never wanted money, wanted to fuck a dozen white girls? Work as a waiter? Be decidedly poor? Have all the time in the evenings to write a book? Contract another STD? Erectile Dysfunction? Hollywood? TV? Radio? The works? You know? You know?

But I’ve changed. But does this evolution consist entirely of what my soul desires for me? Or what the wolf pack wants?

It’s what you do, when you are with YOU, that is YOU.

I must learn to depend on myself. I must learn to cure my misery. My heart yearns for a cure. Little does it know that the answer lies in itself.

I will grow.



Blogger Kohfoe said...


27 May 2011 at 12:04  

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