Musings. A lot.

It’s morning, and I’m awake. And thankful.

I’ve been going through the motions for the past few days, my innards are threadbare. I’m fucking tired. As tired as shit. Abuja, inasmuch as it is exciting, is tiring. But, yeah, I’m zooming past all stagnation. Hustling my way to the fucking top, and zooming past the fuckery.

Oh, and I feel really good today. I've been feeling good all week actually, so good that I don't remember what bad feels like and that is truly a blessed feeling. See, I gave up. I relinquished control of my world to the unknown.

The same unknown that I am sure created the world. I am a child of chance, a victim of fate. I have the power to take that step forward, but not the sight to see where it might lead me in the end. No matter what impending doom is around the corner, I have to take that step forward, I can only hope to move my arm and it moves.

Hope is all I got.

I trust in whatever beats my heart to look out for me.

I do what I want, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

What else can I do?

Many things have happened, I can’t seem to be able to adequately find time to document all these mysteries in the life of Femi, but I will, and it shall be documented. But one thing cannot be brushed away so easily. I feel like I'm losing a friend. There, I said it, it's out in the open, what's been bothering me this entire while. I know how easy I am to adjust, so the idea that if this said friend does suddenly find herself no longer in the friend zone with me not very eager to bring her back in the safe zone worries me because I know how possible it is.

Every time I talk to this person I feel like there's an elephant in my chest and I just can't handle it, seeing it now on paper like this the solution is making itself awfully clear but in an effort to change I'm resisting it. Perhaps I need to learn that resisting what is natural to me will only make me uncomfortable and I will only suffer in the end.

And I have been pretty uncomfortable lately, extremely so. I'm fighting my nature for someone else's definition of friendship. And I keep telling myself: Just be yourself, don't be afraid to listen to yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you, no matter the rules on how you're supposed to act. How do they know how YOU are supposed to act?

Who knows you better than you?

And you know, this is the same friend I was jealous about.

But then, It is what it is.

But how is everyone? You all good? I’m so fucking self-centered, I rarely ask if you guys are doing good. Well, I'm young. I'm black. I'm a fucking genius.

I’ll make sure I see someone who hasn’t made up her mind whether or not to eat sushi today.

I need to kiss.

My brain is in all sorts of places…

You’re not supposed to work for your own happiness.

I love you, die.

I love my family, die.

I love weed, die.

I love myself, die.