February 18, 2011.

And so, everything is well in my world again. Positive energy and sincere words have the ability to heal all wounds.

Always do what you mean, and mean what you do.

A very simple cure for misery.

It's 1:36 AM on this side of the planet, and I am determined to sleep like a normal human being tonight, dash my vampire nature entirely and abide with the day walkers. If I was sure of anything I have done or that has been done to me perhaps I wouldn't be so happy. It’s terrible that I can't be sure of anything that has happened, anything that will happen. It is terrible that I find it hard to trust.

It was something I was so wonderful at.

What is falling in love like? Is it at all present? In between all the declarations of “great sex” and the belittlement of my masculinity, I find the idea laughable at best.

Which brings me to the next question. Am I falling in love? My instant answer would be an unequivocal no because this is irrefutably not how ‘love’ normally works, it’s not so damn exacerbating but then why does her whole being “nice” effect me in such a fatalistic way?

Why then. Why can't I let her go?

Or maybe this isn’t about her at all.

But my pride will never allow me to admit that. I find it almost sickening how much my attraction to her drives my decisions while she sits back with that smirk on her face lounging about freely, I find the idea that I am here for her embarrassing and deplorable. But I cannot deny it anymore. Maybe if I fully accept this reasoning I will feel better than I do, maybe I wouldn’t feel so disappointed with my situation or my weakness.

But funny enough, its not annoying, not depressing. In fact, Its liberating.

I really don’t know how to do this and it really doesn’t alleviate any of my worries.

None of them do.

I’m Truly and completely gratified, because I am damn tired of faking love.

But that isn’t it there is certainly much more that is bothering me.

There is too much ego in this school, too many big girls with nothing big to do.

That is something even I can’t distract.

It’s very strange knowing how easily you could be ignored; it’s not something you get used to. I’ve never had to deal with a girl putting herself or anything else or one before me; I guess that’s my punishment for staying single and free for so long. I’m unhappy in this, but I can’t say no. No matter how hard I try.

Oh god and those faults of mine? You don't really know how bad they is do you?

I am once again disparaged.

And the more it happens the more morose I become.

I like her so much but I have a feeling this may not be worth it.

And ironically enough I know it’s not worth it and yet I can do nothing about it.

I don’t think the favor can ever be reciprocated. I love her too much.

Don't you dare judge me or my actions. I do what I please in an attempt to make myself happy. I wandered from bed to bed in attempt to make myself feel again, because that's just who the fuck I am. Because at the end of the day, I am desperate for some kind of emotion, some kind of release from that torture.

Maybe that's why I've stopped lusting so terribly...because I've turned into this robot and I can't reach the switch to reverse the process.

I wish I was simple enough to be content in some vapid relationship, it'd be ridiculously easy to acquire one, I'd have couple facebook pictures, romantic notes and bullshit 'I love you so much' tweets. I'd go through 'em like there's no tomorrow.

But a relationship has never been something I've been able to fabricate. I am far too complex of a person to be able to fool myself or somebody else for that matter in such a way. I’m too intense for that.

But sex? Sex I can do.

You all have your coping mechanisms and I have mine. Don't judge.

He who is without sin should cast the first stone.

Estic Viu.

N.B: There are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, & everything is possible.