To A Friend.

I really need to write desperately, but I simply haven't been inspired, there hasn't been enough romance in my life. I feel strangely inspired to pen a few lines tonight. Is it because you told me to write about you? Maybe, Maybe not. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not an expert writer, and I don’t write about people, I really just write what my fingers type which is particularly no big talent in itself, just me? So here goes. A bit of what I feel…

For some time now, I've found that I trust less when a woman is in like with me and me with her. No matter how brilliant of a friend she is, the trust is compromised when I am aware of just how far she'll go for me, simply off of the fact that I for one, might one day want to fuck her. And I don't mean to say it in such a sinister way but in like it is detrimental to any serious friendship, I can't trust a sane woman who might be attracted to me.

Because there has to be something wrong with you to willingly put yourself in my hands. Especially when I've made no move to hide all the dark corners of my mind, if you like that, I just don't know. Really I just don’t.

I have a lot of almost friends who have been demoted simply because of their interest in me. That infatuation destroys the trust I have in that person, makes me unwilling, because at one point feelings will be expected to be reciprocated, and I just can't watch a myself enter into another pretentious fictitious silly game. It drains me you know? It depresses me. I used to have so many female friends, babes I was just cool with, but even that safe haven has been compromised by the messy games played within the realm of infatuation.

I mean, I can't even have a convo without someone looking at me with an adoring smile and say; “You have the worst mind ever”.

It's kind of becoming a buzz kill to be honest. Is that ungrateful of me? I hope not, I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, I'm just bummed out to be honest. My phone is still gonna be off for a couple of days say month? I don't think I'll get a new one. I just couldn’t be bothered at this point.

That’s why, I miss you. I miss that company. I need more Non-Bad Cannot-Be-Shocked, Femi-Is-Just-A Normal-Person people. All this fakeness is killing my vibe. You know, I really shouldn’t have met you, I knew I’d like you too much. From the moment we got chatting it was funny how I could converse with you in a no holds barred, calm, sarcastic and heart warming way?

Something in my soul is disgruntled by the idea, when I first met you, you were a sorely needed distraction from a hideously disastrous relationship I was in at the time, my really long convo’s with set me free in a sense, fully confirmed just what I had suspected all along. All I need, and still do need is a friend. A soul mate maybe?

Sometimes after talking to you, I used to ask myself "What am I doing here?" “Doing with you?” I was staring at a road with an obvious dead end, wasted energy I could be expending on another potential, on another road that might just lead me to the tip of the galaxy, knowing fully well that I’d most likely not be able to fuck you, or even kiss you, or have a part of you to myself…. but instead I am sitting pretty staring at a brick wall, enclosed in a box.

I continue to think, think about all my memories with you remembering all the things that had made you attractive in the first place, I smile like I’m walking through a field of pleasant nostalgic daisy's, all representing the memories you feature in. I pick one up, and begin to pull of the petals. But before my finger even touches the first one they all blow away, the truth is undeniable. I’m fascinated by you. Fascinated by the fact that we are totally different worlds, different ways of thinking, but you still manage to make my heart smile? Or jump at the sound of your voice?

I think the reason I still see you as indispensable is that you seem like someone who will always continue to amaze me. It terrible that you have a beautiful face and body to boot, which can compromise my thought pattern as a male specie, but then I still see you as…. Funny, I have no words to describe what I see you as. A good friend? Much more than that.

You remain, unmistakably, inexplicably the only person who still amazes me. The only person who has said No to me.

I always wished for a girl to say no to me.

Is that a strange thing to wish for?

You’re such a brilliant friend. You always make my mind laugh, always make my brain smile. A brilliant, beautiful friend.

But I’m hoe.

And your type, unfortunately, don't love these hoes. And, fortunately, I’m in love with you.

Don’t understand? Go figure. It’s hard for me to explain, too.

P.S. I still call you Kafayat.