Musings. December 23, 2010. 4:11 am

So like I'm sitting on my bed earphones blasting, I haven’t slept all night, I feel so fucking proud and tired. I feel like not going anywhere, write the day away, chat with the wifey for a long time and a few other of my kind, go and have breakkie somewhere new and keep it moving. But I'm glad I went out yesterday, I needed the fresh air, I needed the sunlight. The sunlight always suits me.

My kind, those words always make me laugh, I mean, I don't feel any different. You breathe, I breathe, but a long time ago I learned that I was different, people always told me, said there's something about me, but nah, nah, there's something about you. I'm just me, what else is there to be? What you pick up on is originality. That's all. And a bit of random craziness.

Christmas is here. At this point in my life, it's honestly either, be normal, or get famous. I’m trying to finish school. Will my parents be happy when I’m done? Will they smile with an underlying glee at finally birthing a beautifully unhappy educated version of me? Will I finally like myself when I graduate?

It’s crazy how things are so wrong for me, and still, I smile. I have nowhere to go, I’m living like a vagabond, but still I feel so loved. So at peace. So calm. Someone told me yesterday, that when I break, she won’t be overly jealous of the person who would take the piss. I finally finished my screen play yesterday. I feel like there’s so much I need to bestow unto this world and the next generation.

Like maybe become a shrink?

Maybe, I’m so zen because I’m bored? But not in that 'I have nothing to do but lay here and be aimless' type of bored, nor that 'I'm so rich, I've seen everything, nothing entertains' sordid type of way either. I’m was bored with people, such an interesting strain of boredom, when you are such a n internet junkie like me, you see such measures of humanity that somewhere down the line nothing surprises you any more, you neither hate or love, you just observe, you just watch. Get?

And so an idea occurred to me. Why not entertain myself. Look for old music. Or share my journal with the world?

I've dealt with a lot of people, who see my face and stature and forget that I could possibly have a soul, I'm really short and small I know, it took years to realize this, to grow into this, I'm still growing, ever changing, ever vast but I've found that the more I learn about myself within the more it reflects in the aesthetics of my world. It discourages though, to have your intellect and your soul thrown out so quickly to make way for something as basic as your appearance. It hurts more than anything else, but then I have to understand, really and truly that they way they think does not affect me, it only condemns them, the power of underestimation is very strong. I just want to learn. This concept is lost on so many, when I'm quiet and I just watch, I am learning, I am understanding, you can learn so much from a human being within a simple span of 5 minutes, their mannerisms say so much, the subtle changes of facial muscles, the tweaks of an eye, the hints of a smile, the tone of voice, the gait in their walk, learn and understand the habits of your people, see truth, see lies, see all and understand.

I'm actually quite reclusive, I haven’t been around this world so much, and during most of my travels I have been with my parents, so this solitude is new to me, I want it to be in fact, the daily norm in my life. I’d flourish in it. I don't club as much anymore, I don't like to club here, I'd rather, sit, chill, smoke and learn. I hope that won't be a problem, and if it is, you're simply a victim.

During my thoughts in assessing those around me I find myself asking "What Would Kanye Do? I dunno why I’m becoming so obsessed with taking musicians whom I never really liked before, dissecting them and trying to find out why they act the way they do. Kanye. WizKid? Tomorrow I might do something destructive, but then again I might learn something beautiful, it all depends on how you see the world. Are you a glass empty or glass full type of person?

I'm the second choice, I never understood the glass empty point of view, I mean, did you make the glass? Or the contents? Who are you to discourage its existence? Who are you to say what is and what is not enough? You are not the architect of this universe, who are you to be so morose about a piece of this world you had no part in creating?

There is beauty in everything. Everything. Even me.

I’m going to share my journal with the world. Watch Out. Its, Me Who Knows You So Well.