Monday, 4 July 2011

Tuesday, July 5, 2011. 06.10am

Except for a few bits and pieces of trimmed out excitement here and there, I’ve been so bored, I’ve been virtually unable to write anything sensible. It’s like I have to make sense and its stunting me. And oh, except for the music. But do I really have to make sense? Doesn’t not making sense make sense once in a while?

I wake up in the morning, thinking. Wake up? I’m not sure that’s even true, because I don’t even sleep when the sun comes down. Its like someone else is evolving from within me.

Quietly. Gently. Slowly. Dancing to the music. Smirking. Chuckling. Maturing. Making me miserable. And overly-fucking-deep.

I think every decision I make now through and through. And for the first time in my life, I’m realizing how lonely I am. How butt lonely. Not the lonely you think. How mainly I can’t bring myself down the level of some peeps to actually have a mind fuck with them. I mean, what’s the point? Yeah, A little bummed about the lack of romance in my life, I need someone to vibe with, nibbling ears and soft kisses and lots of laughter. And mind fucking. I really would not mind that one bit.

But herein lies the deepest shit. I have so much distrust in love, I hate it. If I like you nowadays, I’d rather not show it for fear of losing you. So there. Since I cannot love an earthling. I have now therefore transferred that love to life. I’m a hopeless romantic, I know, but now, it’s just life I love. I'm simply in love with all the possibilities of life. Every sordid avenue, every delicious turn, and the long list of loves I'll peruse with such pride in years to come. I'll love some of the greatest “things” on this planet. I have to.

But again, my biography has taken an acute turn in the past few months, another chapter has been added, which I presume might be the saddest chapter of all…

And, I still haven’t broken down The Wall. "The Wall": A term coined by a friend to describe my brilliant ability to switch off when I don't want to acknowledge painful emotions. I have to learn how to face these things, instead of just disconnecting. I'm rarely ever unhappy, and when I am unhappy, I start to resent the cause of this unhappiness and my first instinct is to shut off.

I don't need to yell, I don't want to be angry.

I just want silence.

I ignore it, and move on. It seems healthy, but trust me it's not. At least not for other people. I don't like to acknowledge negative emotions in my life, and it actually is disturbing how easy it is for me to shut off once I've been hurt. It stems from childhood, I went through some painfully tragic events as a child, but I ignored it, I shut them out. I don't keep it to just emotions anymore, now it's people, I shut out people, people who don't really deserve to be left out in the cold but there is no inclination for me to open up communication again. I simply don't want to, I know I have to, our society says it's the right thing to do. But right and wrong in the realm of human interactions is an extremely grey area, never black and white. There are millions of us on this planet, perhaps we're all interchangeable.

I can't keep running away though, I'll have to face it all one day. All the emotions, all the unshed tears.

I travel again on the 20th, I have to use the time in between to update the journal. But there's just so much that has happened, so much to go over, this is going to take so much time, and resurfacing all those memories could complicate things in my head, complicate them more I should say.

But it must be done. I say this begrudgingly of course. I treasure my secrets, especially after living in a place like my home, my secrets are worth more than all the cash in the world to me. I'm actually an incredibly private person, I show you the skeleton of my life, there is no muscle mass, no organs, not even an epidermis, just the skeleton. And once you see my skeleton, I’m connected to you in a way you can never adequately fathom.

Everything else is too valuable to share, I'd rather they speculate and choke on their gossip.

"Sometimes silence is the best answer".

My father says that to me a father... I discovered something. He's really proud of me you know? More and more he talks about my future, saying things like "You're going somewhere great", do you know what that feels like? To have the one person who means the world to you have so much faith in you after you've fucked up so many times? I used to think he wanted to replace me with a younger, more "Christian" cousin of mine, or my younger bro, but that was spawned from lakes of self hate though. We had our differences you know? I was a wild child, I still am, but he has always loved me, and I took that for granted. Still am.

I just want to make him proud. And the fact that I haven't really gone anywhere, but he feels it all the same, brings tears to my eyes. I might be a daddy's boy through and through. He helped mold me, the kindest man in the world, the purest energy I can ever receive. I'll accomplish great things because of the faith he has in me. I pray my children feel this way about me, and about their mother, whoever she might be. I hope I can be at least half of the man he is in my future children's lives.

“Procrastination is the hoe, and Twitter is it's pimp."

I don’t fucks with ugly delusional hoes anymore.

Quote me bitch.

Be thankful for today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Peace & Blessings.


Blogger Vanity said...

Me and you right now could very well be telling the same story. We'll be ok. Eventually. That's the best I can do.

Thank you for expressing exactly how I feel because I probably wouldn't have even bothered to.


4 July 2011 at 22:46  
Blogger Tomboxe said...

Poignant. I like this best of all I've read from you. And I envy your relationship with your dad. But we can't ever have it all good, can we?

5 July 2011 at 02:14  
Blogger khey said...

well, well what do we have here?

6 July 2011 at 09:34  

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