Sunday, 4 December 2011

Burning Bridges

You know those times when you so many things to say, and you can only manage to laugh hysterically? This is one of those times. I wonder if sometimes, I get a new, completely different head from time to time, My head feels so different, Im not exactly sure if its still the same thing that was there before. Well, the size is still the same. Sooooo, what the fuck has been going down with y’all? You All Good?

I don’t care.

In an try out to bring some more width to my life now that is being saturated with a ridiculous amount of ME and about a gazillion different ways to make money. I've simply been "too busy to give a fuck", and that needs to be corrected. 2011 is almost drawing its curtains on me, and its never too late to start moving. Have I moved at all this year? Why is this just dawning on me? Shit. I really never have a plan when I sit to write stuff, but hey, this is my drug, you know? Something like a ritual purge of whatever the fuck is going on inside of me?

I graduate in 2012, and as usual steps must be taken in order to keep swimming. You know sometimes, I think it’s never about surviving? You know, like it’s already been given to me, and there’s no need to fight for it? So there. There are a lot of decisions I have to make about my life, decisions with consequences I don't generally support but must be done. But to achieve the things I want to, I might need to do what is unpalatable…. Ultimatums are being brought forward and I'm resentful, cause in honesty, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I’m going to deactivate my twitter at the end of this year. I don’t have the courage yet to hit the deactivate button, and while there are a million and one reasons why I should, the seed has been sown, and a date has been fixed. Introspectively, I think one of the reasons I’m quitting twitter is because it’s too terribly stunting. You know? I saw a tweet: “Will the amount of time you spend tweeting be deducted from your lifespan?” Or as my mind did interpret it, will the amount of time you spend checking up on peoples’ lives and trying to impress them be subtracted from your lifespan? I am putting all my energies into tweeting and not actually writing, and feeding my laziness. I love to write, really write. I feel good when I do, and twitter to me was a lovely diversion from accomplishing anything of value. Of relevance. Of substance. Of imperious, staggering, epic proportions – of which I have come to discover I am capable of. At the risk of sounding inane, I do not think popularity on stardom earned on twitter by being hilarious or smart or witty actually translates into physical brilliance. Delusion is a bastard in that it runs high and clouds the brain of reason. Everyone wants to be RTed these days, everyone wants to be a star. Remember that stars are just explosions of gas. Don’t breathe in that gas too much, or it will make you believe you can rival the sun. Having said that, some people might make a career out of what started as a simple twitter account, and I wish everyone searching for that ends up satisfied. Ill close in January, and be back when I cop that degree? Or when I’m gonna be begged to be back? By Twitter itself? But whenever, it’s a lifetime away. Speaking of lifetimes, I plan to enjoy this ride, and so should you, I hope you enjoy yours and the people in them. Make time for them like you make time for twitter, after all, they are the ones with arms to hold, and laughter to actually hear…

But you know, it’s not all about twitter. A lot of changes need to be made, a lot of sacrifices need to be offered up. A lot of bridges need to be burned, and a lot of rafts to be nailed together. If this river will be swum successfully, with all the crocodiles in it, a lot needs to be done. I have given up on a lot of things, and will give up on a whole lot too. Slowly and surely, I will. Maybe writing about this will give me the impetus to. I'm becoming one of those men I always wanted to be. Those boys in the American sitcoms, with the freedom, the style, the attitude and it's just so strange how naturally it came, and the uncanny ability to be in really cool places at really cool times, without really caring. I've achieved the perfect level on nonchalance. Doing what I want to, when I can, from the perfect hardboy, to the unknown struggler for the good life? Haha. Your confusion drives me more than anything else, your inability to understand why I can disparage sex, why I starve myself of stuff – just to go back to it again?, why I'm so terribly mentally attractive with an underlying tone of repulsiveness? WIN.

Its morning. I’m off to study. There is still so much more to be said, so much more to say, so much more to dream. And in as much as I hate waking up in the morning, the promise of it being a better day, time to take out the junk of yesterday and the things that make me sad. It’s a new day.

Create some good within yourself and the earth will do its job of distributing it accordingly.

There are a lot of things in my life right now that have the potential to destroy it. But an equal number of things that could have the exact opposite effect. It's the intentions of my heart and the truth of my soul that will keep me on the good side. Life isn’t short. But life goes by faster than you can imagine, and is filled with pain and suffering, so, slow down and enjoy the little chunks’ of happiness you can find along the way. Don’t judge anyone, because at the end of the day, you always have to clean your own shit. In the end, I realized that a whole lotta things where becoming more important than ME in my OWN life, as selfish as it may sound. You are the only constant natural factor in this life so therefore you are the most important person in your world. See why you cannot love? Or why your 'loving' is easy? Because you’re not even the most important person in your own life… So any who comes is just another of those important things…?

Right back at the top.

My mum said something yesterday, yeah? “Femi, you’ll be 27 in five years”. Where the fuck did all the time go? Life is not short.

Don't be afraid of discomfort, especially if it turns out be lucrative. You have to have a balance you know? Nothing worthwhile comes without work, nothing real, nothing lasting comes without difficulties.

May the hand of a friend be near, and the heart of the one who loves you, be true. Better still, may they be one and the same.

Christmas comes for me in 4 days.

And the sun be warm around your neck…. (No Pun Intended). (If you live in Africa Only).