31/07/2011

Because the river is still does not mean there are no crocodiles.

It’s totally well and zen in my world once again… Or looks totally well.

A little stirring of the water would reveal a lot. I’ve been lonely. To say the least, and every effort at physical human interaction has failed, and all I am left with is my phone? Which is sometimes overwhelming when everyone wants to talk to me at the same time? How do some of you cope?

In my lonesome times, I grow, I develop, rapidly. And I discovered something. There is an actual difference in realizing that there is actually no floor beneath your feet, and flying. You know? Actually, Im hella confused of actually what to write about, as I have been fitfully lazy, and have too many thoughts running in my head…

I'm all about a better world, you know?
When you create an atmosphere that can better produce and maintain such purity your harvested energy will multiply ten fold and sow seeds in your life. Seeds that'll grow into big ass trees with some big ass fruit your now happy ass self can enjoy for the rest of your days. And so how do you create such an atmosphere?

Honesty.

With everyone of course, but most importantly and more vitally with yourself. You know why? Because its your life. No ones life but your own. Seen with your eyes, heard with your ears, smelled with your nose and understood on your terms and conditions. As selfish as it may sound. You are the only constant natural factor in this life so therefore you are the most important person in your world.

In my world, I see myself as the center. With everyone and anyone either a willing or unwilling observer, to whom must be satisfied with either the complexities or plainness of my life? I don’t hide under the façade of anything. I’m poor. I’m short, I’m ugly, I might be stupid at times. I also can be brutally honest, sweet et al. You decide if I keep you in my circle. If you choose to see the negatives, I’ll show you the fucking way out. But if you see the positives, I’ll stick by you till you decide to show me the fuck out.

Now what does dishonesty to one’s self do to a person? Any person? It slowly destroys the bitch out of that person.

If you have to lie to everything and everyone on this planet so be it. But never lie to you.

I am bored, not because of the obvious lack of physical interaction, but because everything else ceases to amaze me? My mind demands a challenge. I hate to be conquered all too easy and quick, you know? Like having sex with someone you’d dreamed about for a long time, and then finally doing so, then finding then completely and utterly annoying? I have grown to demand more of myself in almost every aspect of my life, and it is only logical that this should affect my completeness. And see, that why I’ve not had sex in aeons? Because, I can’t just fuck now. Because, honestly, I’ve fucked everything I wanted to fuck. I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish sexually, physically. And so, I you can fuck me from a distance, not at all having seen me, and you fuck me? Keep me interested? Wanting you? You can have me for the rest of your life.

And that is why, If I’ve cut you out of my life, you should know the reason why. You bore me. You’ve ceased to stimulate me, and when you begin to bore me, things begin to spiral out of control. Fast. Its all for a better tomorrow, see? You spend your days with a frown on your face, bitching on and on on twitter about your disdain for the ways of others, completely focused on the unimportant, trying to be sarcastic and shit…. While you do not know that you’ve zoomed past the line of importance and have become just like a clanging church bell? Or you’re still in the dark? Behaving like you know it all? Being inwardly bored and sad? And hiding by pretending all is well? Being all prude and shit because you want someone, somewhere to be happy? What of you? Does your heart smile? Are you being honest to your own happiness?

Sometimes, I feel sorry for the people around me, for having to deal with all my eccentrics. But think of it this way? Maybe my crazy seems crazy because you’re boring?

Loose yourself. Determine to do whatever. Whatever you *want* to do to make you happy. *have*

To make you smile, inwardly.

And then, when the intentions of your heart match the intentions of mine, all is well once again.

See the cattle herd mentality that now pervades the Nigerian Twitter community? It was a matter of time.

The wheat will always be separated from the tares.

Just wait for the harvest.

Your outward smile does nothing for me. Let your heart smile.

And yeah, Don’t think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

As I Study.

I’m supposed to be studying. It’s 12:45am. I just came out of a big convo with the Dad, and I’m a bit on the edge now, but I’m not angry, just slightly amused. I might have let the steam loose with someone, but I’m on a BBM fast for a while, so here goes.

So I've been in school for about 6 weeks now and unlike my last semester I have been as serious as possible, my entire life has been about work, school and a few special persons on BBM. I rarely go out, I mind my own business and I keep to myself, completely out of the lime light, that's if you don't count the working and the writing, but at the same time that falls in line with my career so I cannot be judged because of that.

I have been a relatively good boy, a freaking monk some might say, at least compared to what I could be doing, at least compared to what most of YOU are doing. But despite all this.

People still find something to say about me.

The funny aspect is that in freaking reality, I’m just not anything you should worry about.

And I get that, it's Babcock, you people have nothing else to do but talk, I feel for you, I do BUT, if you're going to spread malicious rumors about me, even go as far as contacting an ex-girlfriend to share them in hopes of creating some sort of problem.

At least come up with something original, something juicy, and something worth my aggravation.

In the past 3 weeks, I’ve been accused of taking part in an armed robbery and sleeping with a close friend’s girlfriend.

Now, I have a “best” friend girl, and she also plays the role of my mother and sister when the situation calls for it, and because I never fight with her, because I refuse to stab her in the back, because I defend her when I hear slander, and because she spends time with me in the house alone.... then, I MUST be sleeping with her?

Must you corrupt everything?

I don't understand this.

Continue to slander me if you must, there is no such thing as bad publicity in this point of time in my life. Keep talking, it'll just get me more writing contracts, twitter follows etc but if you must talk, if you must fucking talk...-

At least come up with something worth my time.

And most of the people who spend so much time talking about the life and times Babafemi Smith have NEVER met or talked to me in person for more than 5 minutes.

And Armed Robbery? For real???

It's just so pathetic. And you don't even realize it.

Pathetic and incredibly sad.

Do you understand what I am trying to say?

When you spread rumors, in a way you are lying, therefore creating the most negative energy possible for yourself and your future, you fuck yourselves up without even realizing and because you've sown the seed of fuckery everything you touch will crumble, you'll find far too much unproductive free time on your hands and you'll continue to gossip, while the people you go on about transcend you in ways you couldn't ever have imagined for yourself.

Now do you understand what I'm trying to say?

If not, just please create some better stories about me ok?

I’m actually studying, and it feels incredibly new. I can truthfully say this is the first time I’m studying for any exam at all in my University life, and It feels good to work on something new. After all that seems to be what my entire life is about right now, the pursuit of "new", perhaps I shouldn't generalize it so, I mean on average I can be satisfied by the simplest of means, perhaps I meant to say is that I am on the hunt for something "new" in my percentage of human interaction. I'm always fucking with this person or that person, with no malicious intent of course, simply out of pure boredom. Human beings are the most dazzling of puzzles one can amuse one’s self with.

And I've always loved puzzles.

I'm going to write about all my exploits, it needs to be recorded before it is forgotten.

Moping achieves absolutely nothing.

I don't know why niggas keep on employing the use of it.

I'm Babafemi, I'm cosmopolitan, I'm determined to give myself everything I deserve, I won't lose, I won't let anyone win, all I have to do is ask and it will be mine, I understand that small part of this gigantic world, I understand that part of my soul. Ask and it shall be given. The age old tale of success within one’s self.

There's not really a lot to say once you've said that.

Stuff’s been going on here and there, and I find myself just standing and watching as it all flows around me. Like in those speed shots where the world is buzzing and this one human being is just standing there staring. I've become easily detachable, easily bored and more unwilling to invest in other human beings emotionally.

It's simply nothing new to me, same book different cover. This one cat said there's something Hitler-ish about me, it's probably the attitude. I've discovered that since I'm so ME... I can get away with saying a lot, a lot meaning the truth. I took it as a compliment. Well, yeah.

I'm becoming one of those men I always wanted to be. Those boys in the American sitcoms, with the freedom, the style, the attitude and it's just so strange how naturally it came, and the uncanny ability to be in really cool places at really cool times, without really caring. I've achieved the perfect level on nonchalance.

I met a few “tweeps” in the library the other day, and I was fucking amazed at the impression they had of me. Just because I write in a manner don’t mean I can’t chat shit and be down to earth. At the end of the day you're all human beings just like I am so I don't give a fuck who you are, Femi will always be Femi ya get me? I'm too down to earth man. I’ve made mistakes. I make the occasional grammatical errors every now or then, and one of those errors being allowing my stupidity to un-focus me from what I am in Uni to do.

So I can have my life, but you're still aware of my existence. Just be aware. Know that yes, guys like me have survived the mass cultural cattle take over and hold fast to my intelligence. I’m not going to get less than B’s in any course this sem. Under the marijuana haze, my sick mind is still brilliant.

Because yeah I'm tough, it's something my mind is learning to exploit, it's like a new toy. Before it was just there you know, I wasn't really sure if I was and I didn't really care. I thought about other things writing, hollywood, fashion, drugs and music, philosophy, history, Art, Football Manager and Age of Empires. And oh, It isn’t really a new toy. I had a scholarship almost throughout my high school

I haven't had successful sex in like 800 years. It'll be the icing on the cake when I finally get some damn ass.

Too many niggas and not enough hoes.

I need to go back to reading. It’s a bit discomfiting, to say the least, but yeah. But I’ve learned not to be afraid of discomfort. Don't be afraid of discomfort; especially if it turns out be lucrative. You have to have a balance you know? Nothing worthwhile comes without work, nothing real, nothing lasting comes without difficulties.

Funny enough... I miss you. But I'm gonna be strong. Cause I want nothing but honesty.

Thank Him for today, tomorrow and yesterday.

Especially tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011. 06.10am

Except for a few bits and pieces of trimmed out excitement here and there, I’ve been so bored, I’ve been virtually unable to write anything sensible. It’s like I have to make sense and its stunting me. And oh, except for the music. But do I really have to make sense? Doesn’t not making sense make sense once in a while?

I wake up in the morning, thinking. Wake up? I’m not sure that’s even true, because I don’t even sleep when the sun comes down. Its like someone else is evolving from within me.

Quietly. Gently. Slowly. Dancing to the music. Smirking. Chuckling. Maturing. Making me miserable. And overly-fucking-deep.

I think every decision I make now through and through. And for the first time in my life, I’m realizing how lonely I am. How butt lonely. Not the lonely you think. How mainly I can’t bring myself down the level of some peeps to actually have a mind fuck with them. I mean, what’s the point? Yeah, A little bummed about the lack of romance in my life, I need someone to vibe with, nibbling ears and soft kisses and lots of laughter. And mind fucking. I really would not mind that one bit.

But herein lies the deepest shit. I have so much distrust in love, I hate it. If I like you nowadays, I’d rather not show it for fear of losing you. So there. Since I cannot love an earthling. I have now therefore transferred that love to life. I’m a hopeless romantic, I know, but now, it’s just life I love. I'm simply in love with all the possibilities of life. Every sordid avenue, every delicious turn, and the long list of loves I'll peruse with such pride in years to come. I'll love some of the greatest “things” on this planet. I have to.

But again, my biography has taken an acute turn in the past few months, another chapter has been added, which I presume might be the saddest chapter of all…

And, I still haven’t broken down The Wall. "The Wall": A term coined by a friend to describe my brilliant ability to switch off when I don't want to acknowledge painful emotions. I have to learn how to face these things, instead of just disconnecting. I'm rarely ever unhappy, and when I am unhappy, I start to resent the cause of this unhappiness and my first instinct is to shut off.

I don't need to yell, I don't want to be angry.

I just want silence.

I ignore it, and move on. It seems healthy, but trust me it's not. At least not for other people. I don't like to acknowledge negative emotions in my life, and it actually is disturbing how easy it is for me to shut off once I've been hurt. It stems from childhood, I went through some painfully tragic events as a child, but I ignored it, I shut them out. I don't keep it to just emotions anymore, now it's people, I shut out people, people who don't really deserve to be left out in the cold but there is no inclination for me to open up communication again. I simply don't want to, I know I have to, our society says it's the right thing to do. But right and wrong in the realm of human interactions is an extremely grey area, never black and white. There are millions of us on this planet, perhaps we're all interchangeable.

I can't keep running away though, I'll have to face it all one day. All the emotions, all the unshed tears.

I travel again on the 20th, I have to use the time in between to update the journal. But there's just so much that has happened, so much to go over, this is going to take so much time, and resurfacing all those memories could complicate things in my head, complicate them more I should say.

But it must be done. I say this begrudgingly of course. I treasure my secrets, especially after living in a place like my home, my secrets are worth more than all the cash in the world to me. I'm actually an incredibly private person, I show you the skeleton of my life, there is no muscle mass, no organs, not even an epidermis, just the skeleton. And once you see my skeleton, I’m connected to you in a way you can never adequately fathom.

Everything else is too valuable to share, I'd rather they speculate and choke on their gossip.

"Sometimes silence is the best answer".

My father says that to me a lot...my father... I discovered something. He's really proud of me you know? More and more he talks about my future, saying things like "You're going somewhere great", do you know what that feels like? To have the one person who means the world to you have so much faith in you after you've fucked up so many times? I used to think he wanted to replace me with a younger, more "Christian" cousin of mine, or my younger bro, but that was spawned from lakes of self hate though. We had our differences you know? I was a wild child, I still am, but he has always loved me, and I took that for granted. Still am.

I just want to make him proud. And the fact that I haven't really gone anywhere, but he feels it all the same, brings tears to my eyes. I might be a daddy's boy through and through. He helped mold me, the kindest man in the world, the purest energy I can ever receive. I'll accomplish great things because of the faith he has in me. I pray my children feel this way about me, and about their mother, whoever she might be. I hope I can be at least half of the man he is in my future children's lives.

“Procrastination is the hoe, and Twitter is it's pimp."

I don’t fucks with ugly delusional hoes anymore.

Quote me bitch.

Be thankful for today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Peace & Blessings.