7/02/12

Hi.

I’m smiling. Or am I? Its been long. A million, no a gazillion thoughts swirl in my head, as I attempt to type. I’m sitting in a church, and a smile is stretched across my face as I think of the epic contradictions that are taking place. A house of worship, or is supposed to be, me and unbeliever sitting and typing blasphemy with my fingers and mind… the beclouding contradictions serve as a sort of high. What have I been up to? Besides getting bored by my lecturers lifting whole copied class notes off the internet, Elle Varner and Amy Winehouse’s voices competing for their space in my heart, welcoming my cousin to live in our home.. Its been a joy ride. Full of questioning, thinking, and the journey. And oh, I’ve had nigga’s sending me stuff to edit. Keep making a bruh feel like a G.

Swag.

So. I have mad respect for someone who can see past my stupidity into the depths of my being. That means we're of like minds. I'm all about like minds, about souls of the same nature. Not even on a romantic tip, on a human being tip, those type of people are trust worthy, those are the type of people you can learn from, the type that won't lead you in the lair of bullshit. I don't like to mess with that lair. It's not really my cup of joe. So I was going through my old facebook pictures, a year can make a very large difference, growing up and then realizing you've grown up are completely different sensations you know? It's scary, going back to the same place, but knowing that you're a completely different person. I'm not gonna feel the same way I did about things a year ago, I've seen a lot, I've learnt a lot. Still, some parts are hard to wean off. You know, I desire levity yet emit a degree of severity. I want more levity despite my severity. I am a puzzle I cannot solve. Confused? You’re welcome to try. In actual fact, I’m plagued by this fact. That many people flippantly claim to know me when I’m not quite sure I know myself? Is there something I’m not seeing?
I try to follow my heart, to follow my own compass. At the same time, I try not to follow blindly, but pay a very close attention to where this heart of mine is leading me… I fucking like to question everything. Even my heart. Even the best of intentions. Of myself. Or everyone. I’ve come to see that behind even the best laid intentions, there is always a silver lining of selfishness, or drooping slivers of dripping hate. Its tepidly amusing eh? Every day, I wonder if I’ve reached that infernal point of no return, when I will find myself staring at the abyss, and triumphantly dive in… All I feel now is the sagacity that is my life in this period that will hereafter be known as the “yearning years”… I think I’ve lost all sense of good and evil, I mostly feel like good and evil is fused into one and that in every supposed evil, we can find the utmost good, and in every pure deed the most diligent dealings of evil. Black and White is boring. Gray is Key.

I’m ranting.

I'm not sorry.

So I've been in school for about 1 month now and unlike my last real semester here I have been as serious as possible, my entire life has been about work, school and "her" because I am trying to build a future. I rarely go out, I mind my own business and I keep to myself, completely out of the lime light, that's if you don't count the working and the writing, but at the same time that falls in line with my career so I cannot be judged because of that.
I have been a relatively good boy, a freaking monk some might say, at least compared to what I could be doing, at least compared to what most of YOU are doing. I’ve missed twitter too. Basically because I missed the epic “wisdom” that would have shone forth during the Fuel Subsidy issue. Haha. I can imagine. And per usual, I had an opininon, not necessarily about the fuel issue, but about the crap and totally bullshitty idea this is (was) “Occupy Nigeria” and the whole “Youth Awakening” bullcrap. See, I detest bandwagon activism more than anything in the world. You see peeps chatting about eating pussy 5 minutes ago, and in the same breath talk about a great Nigeria. Seems blatantly obtuse to me. These same folks don't have the depth and understanding to articulate a balance between Western Idealism versus reality versus private interests' influence on the democratic system, as well as the inherent tensions between a true democracy and a representative republic political structure. This is the problem with activism. How can people who have never studied about petroleum economics, have a tinge of understanding about the laws that guide the NNPC, have never really sat down to study the intricacies of Nigerian Politics try to even have any opinion on the Internet. Enthusiasm is not enough.

People who want to change the system don't understand the system, what they are fighting for, or against. The majority of the country has more interest in Occupying bullshit, than fighting the people bankers and brokers who really Occupy Nigeria. Our stupidity was on display for the world to see. If you want to come to the table and have a grown up discussion, you have to do the grown up thing and do research and find facts and understand the issues being brought to the table. Otherwise, shut up when grown folks are talking. The uninformed might bring popular attention and focus to the issue quickly, but does this change the plans of the government or their motivations? The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves, and the powers that be see just how uninformed, ignorant and disorganized the opposition is. Like the pop saying? The only thing that history teaches us is that we never learn from it.
Narrow bands of ideology are almost impossible to sustain, because they require intense energy to sustain. If you ever put up Occupy Nigeria as your status, I’m talking to you.

Who’s laughing now? The funniest part is you don’t even know the answer to this.

Fin.