A lull before the storm.

It’s like a calm before the storm. It’s going too well with a few underground problems right now. You know? Like you know a storm is coming up, you see the signs, but hold on to the tethering hope that it might just be well?
It was her her who broke the ice, and her ego that was the negative energy, but who thought it would bring me this far?

When I first met her, in one of those customary unknown blunt sharing "session" settings, she spent a good hour talking about herself, how amazing she was, how hot she was, how cool she was, the list goes on and I had never met anyone so fucking blatantly egotistical before.

I mean I knew some proud and cocky girls but this girls’ own was just in an excessive amount and it was so fascinating. Maybe, that’s it.
Unusual, and attractive.
She was attractive and dressed like an ex of mine which fed my own vanity quite heartily, but most of all I liked the way she carried herself. The way she stood, the way she walked, it was a trait I found very sexy, a trait I almost always look for, a trait that'll make you instantly fuckable. The first night I met her I just watched, the first time I meet anyone I observe them first, and calculate how I could interact with them. I knew, looking at this girl, that I wanted to fuck her, but what else did I want?

That ego was begging for a mind fuck. But then how would I set it up?
A couple of weeks pass and my interest wanes, I asked about her often but did nothing with the information that was given to me, to be honest I just couldn't be bothered, there was too much in my own life for me to add more weight to it. Then I started seeing her more often, and her name became a part of my daily life. We all smoked you see? And smokers generally stick and smoke together, so needless to say she came by a lot. But again I didn't think much of it, I know a lot of lady smokers, besides we never really spoke to one another, we just smoked together.

One day she spoke to me, and it took me by surprise, that may have been my first fuck up, I was content at the time, not interested in fostering any new relationships really, at least any that involved constant work on my part. I've always enjoyed the fall in your lap type of friendships. One that require little work, and little upkeep, so when she offered what I assumed to be a green light in the one sentence "We should hang out" I was actually pleasantly surprised.
Or happy. Or maybe my dick jumped.

I paid closer attention to her after that and continued to be quietly and pleasantly surprised. All of a sudden this girl transformed from a quick fuck to a friend in 15 minutes flat all because of one simple conversation. The first real conversation I think we ever had just between the both of us. I guess that day she saw behind my façade, she saw right through everything I said, all the cards I played, it was a quarter exasperating quarter annoying half exciting. I'd never played the game with anyone who also knew the game existed before.

It was different, and I remembered the point in my life where I had friends, not love sick idiots. And the idea that I could attain this sort of social and sexual peace at this point stimulated me in brand new ways.

But will my life ever be that simple?

Of course not.
The settings were perfect, I had found my friends with benefits candidate, simple enough for me to remain attracted to her, and intelligent enough to catch all my tricks and lies but still allow me to employ the use of them? Absolutely perfect.

In this great package deal there was one fatal flaw, one fatal flaw I could never have foreseen to have even been a possibility in this girls life.
She wouldn’t fuck.
A flaw so fatal…. She had never fucked before.
We talked about it as best we could, she claimed that she had been trying to find the right guy. And from the look of things, I wasn’t. Yet. At least. She wasn't trying to blame me but it was a puzzle I couldn't solve and it incontrovertibly pissed me the fuck off. We stopped mind-fucking for a while, both of us emotionally strained by these events and simply hung out instead. She’s cool you know? An actual friend, someone I can have a conversation with and someone who knows when I’m faking. That’s important to me, because almost no one can tell, no one even questioned if I even retained the ability to lie. And the fact that I can completely be myself around this girl comforts me in new ways. Ways I still don't feel comfortable exploring.

Because if I delve into these ways I may find that I'm a lot more emotionally attached now because of this entire trauma. I went into this with the express intent of mind fucking and physically fucking like a rabbit, all I got to do was mind fuck. Something unfamiliar to me once more.
I would actually go see her just to hang out, a very dangerous destination for a fragile ego.
I know so much about her now, stuff I'm sure the regular male isn't privy too, or perhaps I've just told myself that to make me feel better about the Melting Moments in our none-existent sex life. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking that I was important outside of the sexual realm to make up for my failure within it.

And it worries me.

That this situation could have inadvertently given me a complex. A severe and sexual complex. My sex life is one of the few things I really and truly enjoy in the world of social interaction, and if that is compromised it may change my very way of life, it may unravel my very soul, or even worse, it may make me utterly fucking miserable.

So what should I do? I don't know how to relay this too him, how do I say;
"I'm worried that we may have gotten closer outside of sex, which would be cool if our closeness inside of sex were at the same level of intensity, it's not, so at this point I'm putting a lot of emotions into this, and if there is one thing I will never forget, I have a dick, and no matter how unemotional I can be, this said dick can produce certain hormones that could fuck with my brain and make me despise you and throw away our friendship all because you won’t fuck”.
Maybe just by the fact that I can’t tell her that means I still have a part of me she does not know.

I think right now I may be trying to console myself into thinking that I am somehow special to her, if I was somehow special to her on an emotional front the laceration on my sex life may begin to heal. I don't really want her on that level, but I want to be important, I want to be indispensable, I think that may be the only way to make up for the physical fuckery.

But again, how the fuck do I tell her that?
And I like kissing her, which is disturbing, because we haven't had a normal sex life, or any sex life at all, I should hate all things sexual with her at this point of our relationship, but the fact that I don't see kissing her as something that sexual also greatly troubles me.

Because I don't know when all of this will end.
It is still what is it. Bad ass kids need a shock collar.
Is this mine?

(To be continued. I hope.)