Mhm.

I’ve been very uninspired lately, it’s as if everyone and everything around me has conspired to bore the shit out of me. Except for a few bits and pieces of porn here and there, I’ve been virtually unable to write anything sensible. It’s like I have to make sense and its stunting me. And oh, except for the music. But do I really have to make sense? Doesn’t not making sense make sense once in a while?

I wake up in the morning, thinking. Wake up? I’m not sure that’s even true, because I don’t even sleep when the sun comes down. Its like someone else is evolving from within me.

Quietly. Gently. Slowly. Dancing to the music. Smirking. Chuckling. Maturing.

Making me miserable. And overly-fucking-deep. I think every decision I make now through and through. And for the first time in my life, I’m realizing how lonely I am. How butt lonely. Not the lonely you think. How mainly I can’t bring myself down the level of some peeps to actually have a mind fuck with them. I mean, what’s the point? Yeah, A little bummed about the lack of romance in my life, I need someone to vibe with, nibbling ears and soft kisses and lots of laughter. And mind fucking. I really would not mind that one bit. But herein lies the deepest shit. I have so much distrust in love, I hate it. If I like you nowadays, I’d rather not show it for fear of losing you.

So there. Since I cannot love an earthling. I have now therefore transferred that love to life. I’m a hopeless romantic, I know, but now, it’s just life I love. I'm simply in love with all the possibilities of life. Every sordid avenue, every delicious turn, and the long list of loves I'll peruse with such pride in years to come. I'll love some of the greatest human beings on this planet.

I have to. But still…At times, I wish she had broken my heart. Really and truly broken my heart. It would give me an excuse of some sort to think and behave the way I do to women today, so I wouldn't blame my apathy simply on lessons learned watching others, so it wouldn't reflect so terribly on the romance that no longer exists in this generation. I still have hope you see? That perhaps I'm wrong about the lot of you. I never close my mind to the existence of falsehood on my part. Change is real.

Change I will never despise.

And then I remember. When she broke up with me. On a day I was sick, over blatant jealousy over a girl hardly worth her energy, my verbal infidelity rubbed her the wrong way, and she broke up with me. I cried (yes, I did) for hours on the first night, that could've been coupled with the fact that I was sick, but then the next day I was simply angry, the next day brilliant apathetic, and the next day getting dressed for a fuck date with the girl in question.

Years later, thinking back on it, her reasoning for splitting with me was completely founded, I was entertaining another girl, no matter how honest I was with her about it, how else would it have been so easy to get into said womans skirt? I was trouble, she knew it, she protected herself.

I understand. And what a blessed feeling that is.

But I did love that girl though, as much I could at the time. For that time, after she broke up with me, we got back together months later, and yeah, I sweet tongued her into it. But it wasn't the same, she filled a lonely gap, there was no longevity to be expected in that endeavor. Callous of me I know. But have I ever professed to be a saint?

I remember the first we met after coming back together, we hadn't seen each other for months, I remember the night so clearly. We sneaked out of school, to that favorite spot. We walked side by said, engaging in small talk, kept an acceptable distance as we kept up that discourse. I remember the leaves cracking underneath my steps, I remember her rigid composure and my satisfaction at knowing that I caused this change in body language. Somehow we ended up at my friends house, in his bed, watching Music Videos, there was still distance between us, but somewhere along the line I decided to close the distance, I wanted to make her squirm, I wanted to own her once more.

All it took was one kiss to break the dam. When I opened my eyes I relished the look of surprise in her eyes, a small victory for wounded pride.

I will never forget that power. It fuels me still today. It kills me. Gives me vibe.

But isn’t that what it is? I learned a very valuable lesson that day. I didn’t realize it at the time, but we use these women to fill in the spaces we need them to emotionally, because they have no other plausible role in our modern lives. And this girl, taught me how to love myself. She worshipped me for a time when I thought I was absolute trash, she helped turn this lump of coal into a brilliant diamond. And how did I pay her back?

I loved her. And I used her.

I don't know why I'm so enamored with these memories. Every step has led to today. To where I am today. So much I want my children to read, to cry and to laugh with me about in the future. Perhaps in these things I write, lay lessons to help others who once shared my plight.

The world and written word affords true honesty as it does complete deception. I’d become a master of deception. To the point I lied to my own heart. So therefore now, I purge. I show all aspects of my human heart, in hopes to overcome it. In hopes to understand.

I miss my virginity. The succulent virginity of my heart.

Too much to ask for?

I’m off to tweet.

Its me, who you knows you so well