You.

I’ve neglected writing, buzzing, fixing and smoking for a long time, this all feels so strange and new to me. I’ve fallen back into the “school schedule”. Which, incredulously, is not as discomfiting as before. I’ve not made many new friends like before. But then, it is what it is.

Anyways, I’ve been faced with an endless stream of emotion these past few days, which can’t came through because of my already hard boiled and extra tough skin. And I dreamt. This surely, will be put into writing later.

You know those kind of dreams?

The one’s in which when you wake, feels like a spillover from reality? I cried in that dream. My eyes were misty when I awoke. Is my core shaking? Is my core wilting?

Less and less time left.

I will not depress you though. I will just attempt to convince you. Not, never to give your heart and inner core to anyone else. You know, the jumping in and out of relationships? The cheating? It all boils down to one simple thing.

The entrusting of your heart to another.

You might not know, but I know you know what I'm talking about, that continuous heartbreak, that continuous river of that one way emotion flowing from a source so deep within you, a source determined to tether every waking moment of your life with the thoughts of another, a source that wants to drown your very essence in the misery of love. We go around searching for that "serious" love, that ambiguous interpretation of "the one" time and time again putting ourselves through so much torture and pain in constant search of what we have been told will make us whole, when in reality it fractures us, creates a wound so deep and so painful, when in the end, nobody seems to adequately fill and satisfy that void.

And then, we get injured. Wounded.

The wound we carry with us to the next one, give to him or her and say "Fix me". But how can he/she fix something he/she did not break? No one can fix that muscle apart from you, because you're the one who sacrificed it, took it out of it's cage and put it on display for the whole world to see, you foolishly gave it to another human being who already had the responsibility of his own heart to deal with, do you not see the incredulity of it all? Nobody can have two hearts, it's a disastrous impossibility. Because even when he/she has this heart, even when they've locked it away with their own, your eye is still open for another who might be better at handling it. Constantly giving the responsibility of your own welfare to someone who isn't qualified to care for it. In any way possible.

It is you. Control yourself. Control the world.

You simply do not understand that all you do, is up to you. You smile, you cry, you think. You kiss, because you choose to. Yes, an outside source triggers it, wells it up. But it’s you. Is it not you who chooses to smile? Isn’t it your muscles? If you choose to get hurt. It’s you.

I mean, when you’re gonna die, it you who’s gonna die. So why give up yourself to someone in search of love? Someone, who at the end of the day will never love you more than his own heart?

I understand that my point might become a little fuzzy here. But wait. I believe in love. Just as I believe in rain. Sun. Wind. Blah Blah. And when it rains, and you decide to go out without an umbrella, you get wet? Is it the rain’s fault? No. No.

Its yours.

I see people, friends and foes alike, smeared for life because the wound, that gaping wound, as a result of the very innate nature of man, will never truly love again. Injured. And funny thing is, they keep on passing that heart around till they do not even realize it exists anymore.

Don’t lose it. Love, but still keep your mind.

Fire cooks food. It could also cook your skin. So does love.

All I am trying to say is:

1. It’s you.
2. You can only love your own heart as much.
3. Me, I lost that long ago.
4. Don’t be sad for me. Instead, be jealous.

This is all.

Its still me, who knows you so well.