Thursday 7 October 2010

Nigeria at 50? How to be One.

I once read a book "How to be a Nigerian". This is a kind of remixed and abridged version of this book, albeit by memory. So for those of you who have never been to Nigeria, or who have not met any Nigerians before... please see the real version of Nigeria; or go to Google and research about Nigeria, for then and only then will you find this hilariously funny.

Anyhows if you find this funny without ever being to Nigeria, then you might actually be a Nigerian or have Nigerian Blood in you... (Michael Jackson was White, wasn't he?).

The Federal Republic of Nigeria, popularly known as Nigeria, is a country, capital in Abuja, 15..(I’m not sure)..0000 square miles in size, as big as Ghana, Benin, Togo put together. This might not be totally correct, because in 2012, Togo has decided to put together a case to claim Lagos as part of their territory seeing as Cameroon won over Bakassi from Nigeria (This was due to a President falling asleep during a meeting in which the Surveyor General (whose Mom was Cameroonian) conspired to leave out Bakassi from the official map of Nigeria.

1) To be a Nigerian, first and foremost, you must be very religious. This has nothing to do with the ease with which you tell lies or your willingness to short change the very next person at the slightest opportunity. What is important here is that a bible/prayer bead is always part of your personal effects at every time and that you are very quick to declare your faith both orally or in writing especially in your Curriculum vitae even without being prompted.

As an extension of your religiousness, you must believe strongly that every thing that happens, from the late arrival of the rains in a rainy season to the collapse of a poorly constructed building has a spiritual explanation and thus can only be handled spiritually. You must also learn to place the responsibility for your woes on some body. It’s either a neighbor who doesn’t like your face, an envious relation who doesn’t want your progress or simply put, some kind of demon which no body ever sees. That way they don’t get to weigh you down and you get to save your self the depressing feeling of being a failure. You must always remind your self that your country was “the most populous black nation in the world” and the “sixth largest oil producer in the world”. If nothing else, it provides you a mental satisfaction that, since your country was great, you too were great. Potentially.

2) To save your self from the prospects of an early death, don’t ever go worrying yourself about the actions or inactions of Government. In Nigeria, siren blaring, tinted glass, dangerously driving, fast moving vehicles were the symbol of Government. You should be happy each time you encounter them. Its a reminder that even though it doesn’t seem apparent, a Government exists. What they do (or don’t do) should be none of your effing business.

3) One word you must be very familiar with is NEPA. Like it or not, it will be an important part of your vocabulary. It’s not even actually a word but an acronym for the now defunct National Electrical Power Authority. Its importance lies in the fact that it is a synonym for two other important words: Light and darkness. Once your bulb goes out, you shout “NEPA”. Whenever it comes back on, you again shout “Up NEPA”. You won’t need a reminder. Soon, it would become part of you.

4) As a potential Nigerian, when inviting people for any function remember that Nigerians arrived at occasions two hours after the scheduled time. We call it African time. Why should one be the first to arrive? It would seem like he was the hungriest of all. No, the place should be full before he arrived. So learn to push back the time on your invitation so that after two hours – just when you really want them-, they will begin to arrive.

5) When asked to join in a meal or to receive a gift, be sure to initially refuse at first. Your host will find you extremely respectful. After imploring you to accept the gift after about ten times, grudgingly accept the gift with coy smiles. This is very respectful.

The story is told of a Liberian who invited his Nigerian friend to a meal. His Nigerian friend fasted and had not eaten or drunk anything for four days. Arriving at his friends house, he met his friend drinking a glass of wine. Welcoming his friend, the Liberian invited his friend to share in his bottle of wine. The Nigerian responded: “Ah, I have just drunk two kegs of palm wine; I cannot possibly take another drink today.” His Liberian friend went ahead with his drink and finished it. When it was time for the meal, the Liberian invited his friend over to the table, again the Nigerian (respectfully) refused. “We just cooked a new pot of soup at home, it will be wrong to deprive you of your much needed ration”. And so our Liberian friend went ahead and had a hearty meal. Now our Nigerian friend thinks all Liberians are stingy.

6) Now, don’t attempt becoming a Nigerian if you are new to embarrassments. Anything happens around here and you should be prepared for it. You must get used to things like the National Television going off in the middle of the network news and your TV making an annoying noisy sound and returning five minutes later with a visibly perplexed newscaster offering an obviously well rehearsed line of apology. At the parks, you must elbow your way to a seat on a taxi. You must be prepared to wait long hours – most likely in the Sun- to pay for things like your electricity bill. You must also be ready to freely and willingly give and receive abuses at the slightest provocation. You could start by learning some of the relatively easy ones like: “Your Father”. And oh, by the way all local TV stations open at 4pm and close at 10pm. (effectively).

7) Warning: if you are a frequent traveler-abroad I mean-, you must get used to being treated like a lesser being by the air line officials. You might wish to fly British Airways for a first hand taste of this. Your green passport must be wrapped in a brown jacket just so that you don’t give away your identity cheaply. When eventually your identity is known, be ready to have gloved fingers straying even into the private recesses of your anus because you are most often than not expected to be travelling with banned substances.

Don’t feel bad about this; it was only one of the many dividends of being Nigerian.

8) If you are white, you will be lovingly called Oyinbo. Never Mind this, because the friend of yours whom you met at the airport who is black but extremely light skinned will also be called Oyinbo.

And oh, by the way Nigerians can be hilariously funny. A joke is told of a Nigerian who went to London. Arriving at Gatwick he decided to buy a whole roast Chicken. Not checking the price, he went ahead and dug in. Halfway through, he decided to look at the price. 40 pounds. Thinking this was an effectively high price, the Nigerian decided to eat out and noisily chew the bones. A white man sitting at the next table, eating chocolate iced cream, hearing the Nigerian noisily sucking the bones, decided to make a joke out of it. Bending over to his friend he said loudly;

“I wonder what their dogs eat in Nigeria”.

The Nigerian looked back, smiled and said… “Iced Cream”.

Now, if you tell that joke to the end in Nigeria, your joke will be extremely funny and your sense of humor will be greatly appreciated for 3 weeks. But if you decide to end it at the end of the white man’s joke…….


In case you wish to learn more, just buy your self some CD tapes of our Nollywood (Nigerian) films. I am sure that before you are through with watching five (I mean both the part ones and two’s), you might just have become more Nigerian than I am. I can also swear however that the CDs you will buy will be pirated. You will be lucky if they all play to the end.



We're 50 years old. 


We haven't changed much.


I'll see you when I do. Till then, 


Fuck bitches. Make Money.

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