Sunday 12 September 2010

Im going to write about something... i'd rather not talk about.

So, I promised myself to write something intresting this time. At least something that would not be too boring or dreary. Im going to write about something... i'd rather not talk about.

Easy Peasy.

I'm a closet romantic.

So what do I want?

I'd like to be in love. Not fall in Love, be in love. I like the cuddling, the kisses, the seduction the entire romantic set up: her pulling out all the stops for the new boys... There. If you dont understand what I'm saying, you will, soon. Just don't give up, read on.

I have some one I like. Our relationship is so systematic and we're not even DATING. Not even close. Maybe I'm just going mad but there's an undercurrent between us that seems to run crazy deep between us. I mean, It's just sex. And even the sex...is getting...not sexy.
WHY do I still do it? I mean the circumstances completely contradict my 48 hour rule (never mind about that), we talk, we laugh, blah blah... It's always been a little more than sex, I mean there has to be a reason I was never able to say no to all those times we fought and made up.

She sits and talks of this perfect guy for her and it kind of depresses me thinking about how that guy isn't me. Not because I want to be that guy, or am in love with her. Hell No, it's none of those, but if I don't find it with you, who's to say I'll find it at all?

If I could be in love with you my life would be so much simpler. But it's not working, there's like this huge space in my head that seems to throw this huge dose of reality in my face every time I entertain the idea and the entire process leaves me feeling so bloody inadequate and inferior.

Maybe it's my pride.

My dissatisfaction with everything and everyone.

Or maybe I'm just looking for an easy escape from it all.

Everything forms in a circle doesn't it? It's an endless cycle. And it's such a tragedy.

I wanna be that guy you'd rather see smile, it'd be nice to feel that fluid again. To feel that human. Okay, at least put some oil on the robot.I mean there are no enough words to describe this empty sensation in the pit of my stomach. I'd like a girlfriend, without actually having a girlfriend. You see, I myself dont understand it.
I mean what exactly am I to you? Why do you fuck me?

Cause if it's just the sex, I think I need to know, so I can measure how friggin' insane I'm going.

Im made to feel im special....and I'm not. I know I'm not.

They being here for so long seriously put a damper in my self perception. It half way helped, half way completely fucked up. I'm so tired of this stress. This mental stress. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just fall in love with this "girl" and get that idealistic stupid hazy vision that makes everything sunshine and fucking good? Is it beacause it isn't there?? Or never has been there?

You see after 5 broken hearts, Im immune. So fucking immune. And so does it mean I don't believe in love? No.... Im a sucker for it. I still kinda believe in it. Like I believe Cinderella is a true story.

Why can't we be normal?

Even if it's just for a night.

Fuck, and then...I don't know...cuddle maybe? For God's sake, all I want is a little intimacy...with out actual intimacy. It makes sense, I know it does, but they are never the cuddly cuddly types, just my fucking luck.The only person to pass the 48 hour rule. And this where it ends up.

Fucking. Tragic.

Id like to think you where my last hope. Well, Im not a saint and I dont lie about it. Maybe.... just maybe.

Anyways, I'll exist, I'll live, and I'll enjoy it.

Just that, right now, imoving on to the next one.

I'm getting myself addicted to someone else now. Someone good.


C'est Fini.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home